on Thoughts of Lost Futures

When the going gets weird, the weird gets pro.
~Raoul Duke

Too many things happened for my little brain to make sense this week, so I will go on bitching about being burnt out. I don’t do drugs, but it increasingly looks like this could be a good time to start. Except that since I had gone thru worse times before and I had never done real drugs, I don’t think it’s a good enough excuse yet. I’m actually cutting down on all stupid substances – that includes alcohol – and I never done hard drugs. My rule is always the more I feel like it, the more I shouldn’t, and this really is a good time to try not to break rules. Sam prescribed me some Ritalin, I haven’t taken any for quite a few years but I might need some. No blackouts tho, so I won’t die anytime soon. I’m depressed and ADD’d to the hilt, but not quite suicidal yet.

To cheer me up, I’m keeping busy digesting the newsy stuff – Indonesian 2009 budget and media research data on US election, the media coverage of the election rather than the election itself. I’m also trying to make sense of some background tech stuff on building a distributed computing platform with a feasible economics in Indonesia, but they’re hardly bloggable stuff. Tinkering with code also helps my nerve a little, it also seems like a more adult way to deal with problems than trying to locate the local hotspot for Quaalude.

The domestic cycle went through two days of very heavy news, most of them I summarized on Tree@Work. I'm using it for the more serious stuff from now on, it's where I’m always sobe.

(I have also done two pieces on hukumonline – under the name Ace McCloud, a Centurion character from my beautifully fucked childhood days – if you care to read more about how much local politics annoy me).

I saw some very disappointing titles, the biggest one being Righteous Kill – starring Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. The film was simply sad to watch. Them two greatness are now just two old men well past their prime, it’s not worth the two hours sitting down if you’re not drinking anything good. I’ve also done a few episodes of Heroes, season 3. The story is getting overly complicated, much less exciting than the previous two seasons, but still worth downloading, I guess. I want to see Rockanrolla, if anyone seen it?

I’m also learning about abortion – for personal reasons – and I heard that UGM in Jogjakarta shows abortion films in their ethics classes. I can’t help but visualizing the hilariously funny scene from season 3 in Weeds where they showed abortion pictures in the classroom. The debate here is academic tho, you can get abortion just about anywhere in Indonesia with minimum fuss.

I’m pretty much in panic mode, financially and professionally. I need to get something done, and quick before things get inevitably worse. The townhouses and the Lombok plans are pretty much abandoned and i am seriously considering cashing out entirely on my portfolio – pretty much my whole life savings. Needless to say, this is more or less the worst time ever to cash out on any portfolio.

I’ve a few job offers, but frankly, none too interesting. There are two positions in Singapore that I might fly for interviews next week if I was really that desperate, but I can’t see meself doing suit and tie job in Singapore, or anywhere else. I want to do something I love doing. And worth doing.

Maybe I can just blog for a living I guess, since blogging doesn’t cost that much.
I spoke to Olive, who is -strangely enough- the only person I feel like talking to, except that she refused to go anywhere with me until I get rich, so I need to be rich. Soon. If only to get her a room across the road and have lunch. Anyone know a good local knockoff shop for LV bags? I also really want to buy a boat.

At the moment, I’m re-activating my entire social and professional network in town to see what’s out there. I’ve about a month to make it – after that, it’ll be a consider-the-shotgun-time.
I hate myself for being too much like the people I very much hate to be. The fathers in my life have similar qualities in the degree of their fucked up-ness – so I’m committed to not be them.
I’ll be dead before I’ll be my own dad. I’m know at least that much.

I’m reading Chuck Palahniuk’s Rant, which is extremely good, I’ll write on it when I’m done. I’m listening to an old Mick Jagger album – OST from Alfie – and the Blues Traveller, the live album is excellent, and also the perennial favourite, Joshua Tree. U2 might cheer me up, fuck it if it brings some unpleasant memories, the music’s way too good to pass.I also need a haircut.

We plan to go boating this weekend, weather permitting. My sailing friends aren’t going, it seems, lawyers,  last I heard they’re stuck in some rush job, so I guess I’ll take Lita’s boat and float with the crew. Think Vi might come along for a daytrip into Jakarta bay on Sunday. Believe it or not, my Saturday is actually full – of work meetings!! I haven’t done that for a few years at least, I’ve always made a point about never doing any meetings on Saturdays. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures.

I’m also running out of bloggy ideas, if you haven’t notice If you’re to troll around, this will be a good time since I’ve the spare time and energy (be warned tho, I’m a little itchy still from the last one. No death threats and no mom stuff, please).

So please, bloggy people and friends, drop a comment, ask me questions or give me something to write about…